From misunderstanding to misbehaviour –
Excerpt from chapter 14 of 'The Silent Crisis' -  Parent Power

The key to understanding and connecting with our children is to be in synch with their emotional world.  This begins from birth and requires us to recognise and welcome all of the child’s feelings as meaningful and important expressions of their inherent needs.  Basically, it is about seeing the innocence of the child, rather than the prejudiced and preconceived notions of the adult in each situation. 

The following are 10 simple ideas that are keys to developing a greater understanding of children.

1.        Ages and Stages
Children grow and develop in a sequential way.  For example, a two year old is exploring his emerging independence and therefore may use the word ”No!” frequently.  By having an understanding of a child’s ages and stages we can avoid placing unrealistic expectations on our children, which can cause conflict and damage trust. For example, expecting your two year old to share or to sit still at the dinner table, expecting your three year old to occupy herself, expecting your four year old to keep her room clean or to eat her dinner before getting dessert or expecting your 13 year old to not question the rules, push the boundaries and resist social norms, is both futile and unrealistic.    When they cannot meet our expectations we may react angrily or with frustration.  We may shame or criticise them and even punish them. 

If were are able to understand and remember that children are always doing the best they can at any given time and that the last thing they want is to displease their parents – even when it seems as though they are hell-bent on causing us irritation and stress – we will go a long way to having a greater understanding of the inherent goodness of all children. 

We simply cannot ask them to do more than they are able to according to their age and ability.

2.        Social expectations

Children, by their very nature are noisy, emotionally unpredictable, impatient and uneducated about the social niceties and polite behaviour.  But it is these very behaviours that are the root of all parental suffering!  “Be nice”, “Sit still”, “Say please”, “Share with your brother”, “Eat with your fork”, “Don’t pee on the rug!”, “Don’t pick your nose on the bus”.  These are all perfectly normal healthy behaviours for children.  It is our society’s expectations that are abnormal and unreasonable.  Don’t be hard on your children for doing exactly what they should be doing – being children! 

Give them some leeway and let them be silly, noisy, dirty and socially inept from time to time without criticism or correction as they will grow much more from the freedoms you allow them than they will from the restrictions you impose on them.

3.        Parental needs

The “controlled crying” technique is one of the popular methods adopted by parents to make their lives easier and although we are led to believe that it is also in the best interests of our babies, the reality is that it is really designed to give parents an uninterrupted night’s sleep. There is day care, cots, playpens, television, baby monitors and the list goes on and on.  Can we honestly say that any of these are in the best interests of our children?  Or are they designed to help parents have more time, less mess, more quiet, more sleep? A child cannot meet her own needs and although there are times when the use of such parental aids and methods can be useful and effective, we should always ask ourselves if it is in the best interests of our children.  Just because it is the normal and accepted way of doing things does not always make it the best or most virtuous choice. I believe that before adopting any of these time/effort saving devices, we should think carefully about whether it is really in the best interests of our children and not just a quick-fix to make our lives easier.

4.        Play and exploration
In the early years of a child’s life, he learns about himself and his world through play and repetition.  He learns and develops physically, intellectually, emotionally and socially through play and exploration of his environment.  And he explores the world through his senses – seeing, hearing, touching, tasting and smelling.

The simple things are often the best. For example, sand can teach your child about texture and coordination as he learns to use his hands for digging, patting, sifting and building sand castles.  It enhances his communication as he learns such new words as “dry”, “dig”, “rough”, “sand” and “empty” and he learns the concepts of quantities and counting – e.g., How may spoonfuls does it take to fill the bucket?  Similarly water can teach her science by learning about density, what floats and what sinks.  She can discover temperature by experimenting with warm and cold. 

The vital ingredient in this journey of discovery is you.  A child needs your attention and guidance.  They need your presence and assurance as a secure base and a safe haven to return to frequently during their explorations.  This is true for children of all ages.

Play with your children, both young and older and delight in their innocence and joy as they discover the world.  Get down, get dirty, get wet, be silly, make faces, sing, laugh, paint, love and have fun with your children.  This is what they want from you most of all.  This is what forges strong emotional attachments.

5.        Communication
You communicate with your children in many different ways – by what you say, with your facial expressions, by using your eyes, by the way you touch and by the way you hold and caress them, as well as with your body posture and the tone of your voice.  Similarly, your children as babies communicate with you by their different cries, conveying their distress, their hunger, their need for a nappy change and their longing for comfort.  As they grow and develop language skills, we can utilize their emotions, their words, their facial expressions and their body language to get a sense of what they are thinking and feeling.  Communication is a vital element in our relationships with and in our understanding of our children. I look at communication in more detail in Chapter 15.

6.        Taking care of you
Parenting is very much about balance. That is, finding a harmonious balance between our roles as parents, as spouses, as employees and as individuals.  Often that balance is a delicate juggling act that can see us having all our balls in the air in perfect unison one day and on our hands and knees grovelling on the floor trying in vain to retrieve the balls we have dropped the next.  Be kind to yourself. Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent.  If you make a mistake, then notch it up to experience and learn from it. Beating yourself up over every mistake serves no purpose, least of all for our children.

I think the most important parenting lesson we need to learn is confidence in our ability to parent.  Instead of relying on the “experts” to tell us what to do, there needs to be a community of available, caring and supportive people to mentor, reassure and encourage us to parent in a way that is right for our own particular situation.  There is a tremendous amount of peer pressure when it comes to the job of parenting.  If you do not choose to go with mainstream methods, then you must have an iron will and a really strong sense of purpose, as the pressure to conform to cultural ideals is very strong.  We need the freedom and community support to make our own choices about parenting.  Human parenting behaviours are the most diverse in the animal kingdom, so what makes us believe that one particular method should be right for all? 

Parenting should not be done alone.  If you are part of a couple, then it is important to nurture your relationship also. Your children will learn a lot about relationships by watching the way you relate to each other, so treating each other with kindness, respect and love will provide them with the best possible role model.  If you are a single parent, utilise and nurture other loving and trusted relationships in your life to add balance and stability for you and your children.

7.       Respect, trust and nurture your family and your child’s uniqueness.
Don’t compare yourself, your family or your children to others as this can only lead to discontent.  No two families are the same, and when we nurture and encourage our children and our family’s special uniqueness, through rituals and tradition, we give them a sense of belonging, of being supported and of being committed to a set of beliefs. These traditions and habits bind families together. 

Try and include a diversity of rituals in your life. Some of these will be planned, and some will arise spontaneously in the context of family life. Rituals can be as simple as telling your children a story before bed, it might be a weekly family outing or a big event such as a Christmas family meal every year. Some rituals will remain steady, others will evolve and still others will fade and new ones will bloom. See what works in your family, and try to approach your rituals flexibly as your family grows and matures.

Tell your children about your history and that of your parents to give them a sense of family belonging and ownership.  Having a strong sense of family belonging helps children to feel secure and to resist being lured into unacceptable behavior as well as knowing there is always a safe, accepting and loving haven for them to return to.

Rituals and traditions are a great way for family members to spend dedicated time together.  It may be 30 minutes on a Sunday morning for pancakes or it may be 10 minutes at night time for stories, but it is precious time for bonding and communicating where happy memories are forged and special times are enjoyed, which will be remembered for years to come.
 
 Rituals provide focused, family time where we can share the things that we honour and that are precious to us. Most people have several beliefs they want to pass on to their children. Think about all the ways you are already teaching these values and imagine how you might share them through special family time and rituals.

8.       Be a good role model.
As we have discussed, children take their cues from the adults around them. They learn primarily through imitation and observation with verbal interactions taking second place.  By treating them and others with respect and dignity, you teach them to be mindful of the feelings, rights and needs of others as well as teaching them a respect, dignity and love for themselves.  Our children are a reflection of ourselves.  If you do not like the way your children are behaving then take a look at yourself, for this is often where the answer lies.

9        Apologise. 
Don’t be afraid to apologise to your children for your mistakes. They should know that you are not perfect, that making mistakes is normal and that the important thing is to learn from them.  No matter how imperfect you perceive yourself, your children will love you unreservedly and unconditionally.  They deserve at the very least, our sincere apology for our imperfections.

10.       Trust yourself and your inner wisdom.
Be mindful that your behaviour as a parent is influenced (often unconsciously) by your relationship with your own parents and that you don’t have to follow blindly in their footsteps.  If you recognise that there is a better way of doing things, then you can work on developing your own unique style of parenting which will suit your personal needs and those of your children. 

You do know what is best for your child and rekindling your trust in yourself will help you to listen to your intuition and develop your own parenting expertise.  Your confidence in yourself and your ability to parent your children will give them a greater sense of safety and security and they will relax in the knowledge that you have their best interests at heart and that you have things under control.

Universal Rules of Parenting
There are, though, a few fundamental rules that should be universally upheld. Put simply,
IT IS NEVER OKAY to hit, abandon, ignore, shame, neglect, molest or inflict violence of any kind on children.

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